Christmas Tree

The past few weeks I have been very nostalgic. It could be because of the holidays and Mom being sick, or just being nostalgic. Any way, I was thinking as I was putting up my tree about all of the memories that Christmas Trees and the ornaments and trimming include for me. When I was little, on Christmas eve, we went to bed pretty much like we did every night. There were a few decorations, and we hung our stockings and went to bed-hardly able to contain our excitement. I remember being ready to burst and it was nearly impossible to get to sleep. We had spent the previous few weeks playing outside and going to school. When we woke up on Christmas Day, we were to wake our parents and not go into the living room until they told us we could. When we walked in, we did not run to our gifts as you would expect. We just stood there in awe. Our mouths were gaping open and breaking into smiles. Overnight, our ordinary living room had been transformed into Christmas. The Christmas tree was there-decorated and lit. A few short hours before, there was no tree or gifts, but magically overnight, not only did Santa bring our gifts, but managed to bring our tree as well. It was magical and made our Christmas morning special. I remember loving the gifts, but the transformation was the great gift we were given. It didn't last my whole childhood, and I don't know if my brothers and sister remember, but as long as I remember, the gift continues.

Bullies

It's Tuesday...Tuesday's don't get a lot of attention, they are just there-another day to "get through". I was with my friend the other night and we started talking about this guy we went to grade school with. He was not very nice to me, in fact-he was a bully. My friend and I have been friends since the first grade, and in all that time, I never shared with her the names he used to call me. I was so embarrassed as a kid and somehow his torment made me embarrassed. Why is that? I had done nothing, and yet I was the one that felt awful. I used to wish he would know what it felt like to be me and to have someone tease and bully the way that he did. As an adult, I know that he either was bullied also, or was just a bully. I hope that my kids have not been bullied and I hope that if they are, they would come to me. What is it in someones heart that is missing that they think it is ok to hurt someone that way. What is going through your mind when you make a conscious decision to harm someone else and yet you find enjoyment in this? I have seen adults harass and bully in the workplace. I am still astounded at their attitude of self-righteousness, total lack of self-awareness and my feeling of being powerless in the face of it. Maybe that is the beginning of evil. It starts by being a bully-preying on one another's weakness, or perceived weakness. Slowly, bit by bit you die inside. Everyone will see you for what you are-a weak, mean bully. A coward. My friend-she had the same experience with the same kid. We never told each other until the other night. How could we spend so much time giving that horrible person so much power in our lives-long after it was over? Guess what...it's over

Perceptions

Perceptions are funny things. I was out tonight with a group of people that I grew up with. It was a fundraiser for ALS. My sister and her husband were there, as were some girls I grew up with. When I was asked to go, I couldn't place they guy that had organized this, but thought-he lived in the same neighborhood, I'll go with the girls I used to play softball with and it will be fun. It was all of those things. His older brother came over to our table. When I saw him I recognized him. Here is what I would have told you at any point in the past: He was big and tall and had dark hair. He was angry and I think I may have been afraid of him. Why? I have no idea. Here is who I spoke to tonight. A really nice guy, who is not big, tall, dark or angry. It is curious how wrong I am and how often. My perceptions of the world and of people have kept me from taking chances and from embracing new paths. I usually make these decisions based on no information. Even with a history of this not working, I still try to make it work. I would like to think that maturity has given me some ability to give someone a chance before deciding the content of their character, but that could be my perception....

Friday Night

Today is the end of a very long week. I haven't written in a while, but have had a busy brain. When my brain is busy thinking, I tend to not do as well in the most important aspects in my life, like my relationships. This week has been very busy starting with a trip the the Emergency Room with my daughter. She is fine, minor injury and all. It turned out to be a bit of a blessing for me, because she has been sidelined for 2 weeks. We have been short staffed at work, and I feel short staffed on patience. Mike left this morning for Korea. It is always a hard trip for him-he is there and back in a week. When he is gone, I realize how much effort it takes for both of us to make this whole operation function. By myself, it is like a 3 legged stool. It can work, but it is liable to tip over at any time. I am grateful for the family that I have. Today I was thinking that my children only know a two parent home with no strife. There is no yelling or fighting. There is laughter and some tears over life. There is grounding over bad grades. There is cheering for the successes. There is run of the mill...going to the grocery store and cooking dinner when you don't feel like it. There is laundry and homework and work. There is joy and there is laughter and there is peace. There is my life.

Growing Up

I was out of town last week at a class. it was really intense, but I learned alot. It was strange being away by myself for a week and learning so many new things, but having no other responsibilities other than myself. I almost forgot what that was like. I liked it, but missed being with my family. I love my life, but it was nice to have a change. Sort of a vacation from my whole life. Yesterday was the first day of school. It was the first time since I have had kids, that I did not walk or drive someone to school. They just got in the car and left. I am seeing how little they need me now. They used to need me for everything. I guess that it is a good thing and I will get used to it. It does not seem to be happening gradually though. It seem like last week I had 2 car seats and a diaper bag. I remember the day I said, "get in the car and lets go" and they just grabbed their coats and jumped in and fastened their seat belts. Now they are driving and there are parts of their lives that I don't know anything about. It is surreal to think that in a few short years, they will be independent adults. I have glimpses of it now and then and I like the people that I see. I hope that I have been a good mother and pray that I will be the mother that they need to become the adults that they will be.

Now it gets REALLY wierd!

Last night I went out to a really nice dinner with my husband, kids and a friend visiting from out of town. Had a lovely evening, great dinner and came home and went to bed. The phone rang about 10:30, which startled me because it never rings that late with anything but bad news. My sister was on the phone and told me that our Dad had died. I didn't feel anything. It is really strange. I haven't seen him since I was 16, and haven't spoken to him since I was in my late 20's. As a teenager, I used to wish that he was dead, because then I could stop hoping he would stop drinking and be a good parent. I don't think that he could have been a good parent even sober. He was incredibly limited and raised by people that were more limited than he was. He was so ill-equipped to marry and raise children that it is astonishing. The best thing that happened to us is that he was gone. I sort of feel bad that I don't feel bad! I grieved the father of my early years as a young woman. I felt pity for him. My life has been so full of people that care for me and have loved me, that I stopped looking for it in those that couldn't. I am grateful for those people and for the parents that I have. I know in my heart and to the tips of my toes, that my family are the ones who chose to be there, who love me when it isn't easy and love me when it is.

Starting Over

I used to have trouble getting to school. I don't mean I couldn't find it, I mean I could not get there. I walked to school as did every other kid in the neighborhood. It was about 1/2 mile a way and yes it was up hill both ways. I would start out in my uniform with my book-bag and head down the hill. I always ended up back home. There were a variety of reasons...my hair wasn't right, my socks wouldn't stay up, my nose was running....I ended up back home and in tears. I would sit on my Mom's lap and she would tell me to start my day over. I would sob and sniffle and gulp for air and tell her I couldn't. She would hold her hand about a half an inch from my face with her palm facing my forehead. She would slowly lower her hand until it reached my chin. If there was no smile, she would start again. I have no idea how long it took, but I know that some days it took a number of trys. I would eventually leave and walk to school. Throughout my life I have needed to restart my day and in some cases my life. How great is it that we get second, third and more chances. I also am in awe of the patience that my mother had. I am pretty sure after the first few times, I would have lost my mind and shouted "GO TO SCHOOL ALREADY !!!!!" Fortunately for me, I was treated with love, understanding and patience. I am grateful that I do not need to restart my life much these days. It is a blessing to get up and do what is in front of me. I have reached a sense of peace with who I am and where I am in my life. I no longer want to be anyone else but who I am. Sure I would LOVE to be thinner, have more money, etc, but I really wouldn't want to change who I am or what happened to me that made all of this possible. Not bad considering.

Photographs and Memories

That is title of an old song that I listened to as a 7th or 8th grader. I knew all the words at one time. As I remember, it was all that was left of a relationship..photographs and memories. My sister has been helping my Mom organize and separate her photographs into books for each of her children, grandchildren, and nieces and nephews. It is an amazing project and they are doing a terrific job. I have looked through my books and am stunned by how much has happened in my life and how much both I remember and have forgotten. I look at photos from when I was in high school and I can remember like it was yesterday to be that 15 year old girl. I remember what it felt like to have my stomach flutter because "he " was standing so close to me. I remember how my heart broke when a few short months later, he told me he didn't want to see me any more. Mostly when I look through these books, what I see are smiles and laughter. Some are the usual holiday shots. Everyone has a photo album full of them. We have always had fun holidays and it is captured sometimes in black and white and sometimes in color. There are photos of my parents as teenagers when they were dating and then when they were first married. Photos of my grandparents both as I remember them, but also when they were young. I used to look at these photographs trying to understand what made some of these people tick, how did they become the people the were. I finally came to the conclusion after doing some genealogical research and talking to some of them that basically everyone did the best that they could. They may have been limited by fear, or circumstance. I learned to have some empathy for some of those who came before me. This is where I come from. I have some of the the true greats that have come before me also. My Mom is one of them. I hope that I can be one of if not the great ones, at least one of the good ones.

In the Moment

Today is Tuesday and the blistering heat we have had has let up. It is wonderful to walk outside and not dread every breath you take. I have been thinking that that I am so very grateful to be present in my relationships. I am also keenly aware of not having regrets. Of course, mostly in regard to my Mom at this time-I am fortunate that we have a relationship that has always been in the moment. Our feelings may have been strong and loud and difficult at times, but they were always in the moment. There were not things that were left unsaid. Both of us (I think) always meant what we said and said what we meant. This relationship has always been a constant. There has been no distance or breaks in the relationship. this last time I looked at my Mom and thought-she doesn't understand-I was about 14. Ever since then, I have known that she understood and was there. In high school and college we had a couch that was tan and was a sectional. She would lie on one end, and I would lie on the other. We would lie there and smoke and talk for hours. I think that a lot of people spend a good deal of time and money in therapy. I got it lying on the tan couch. I also got an insight into my childhood. I got not only a relationship with my Mom but a friend and confidant. There was a lot of laughter and tears over the years. Are there things that I wish I hadn't hurt her with? Of course! I know that even in my bad decisions as a kid, I was doing the best I could and that everything that happened had to happen. The purpose is not always clear, but I know that there was no malice and that there was always love. I always with the help of my Mom, was able to turn it around. It has been many years since I have needed to turn it around. I am living a life that I am proud of and that my Mom can be proud of. She never asked me to make her proud-just to be happy. I know that I am.

Father's Day

I spent the last 2 days in the hospital which is just stupid. I really don't feel alot better, but hopefully I will in the next few days. I went to the family Father's Day celebration at my parents. It was supposed to be here, but ended up moved because of the whole hospital thing. I was thinking back that as a kid Father's Day was this very secondary holiday in my family. My dad was gone and my aunt was a single parent. My grandfather never commanded much attention and was so sweet and wonderful. We spent many Father's days at their house. After awhile, it seemed like he was doing all of the work-so we moved it to our house. One year it dawned on us, that my mom was both Mother and Father and it didn't seem right that she did most of the work for Father's Day. It just always seemed to be work for someone that it shouldn't have been work for. Today, I was NO help to anyone. My brother ( a wonderful father) grilled...It's nice that the Father's Day tradition continues. What really matters is that as a family, you love and appreciate those around us. I am glad to be part of a family that does that..no matter who is doing the work.

Ferris Wheels

I went to Catholic Schools. Not here to debate it, but to let you know about my life. In grade school, at the end of the school year, the first Saturday in June was the school picnic-also known as The Picnic. You never had to explain what you meant when you said "When are you going to the picnic" or Do you want to go to the picnic with me?" Everyone knew-even people who did not attend the church or school. The last few weeks of school, there was a poster contest with a monetary prize. It may have been free ride tickets, I can't remember. Each kid would produce a poster in marker, or colored pencil to advertise the picnic. These were hung in local businesses to spread to word. I can remember going to the grocery store or gas station and being so proud to see my poster hanging there. The parade started at 10 am and we walked through the neighborhood with our class. When the parade got back to the church-the stampede began. There were hundreds of kids all 14 and under running as fast as they could for rides and to use their free ticket for a coke. There were booths in the back where you could win prizes. We always came home with a goldfish or two that most likely wouldn't survive the week and a bunch of tomato plants that would survive our hot muggy summer. We spent the day with our friends racing from ride to ride, looking at the boys when we were older and giggling. At the end of the day, we were hot, dirty, sunburned and our new picnic outfit crumpled. As the picnic closed,we always rode the Ferris Wheel as a family. The rides all had the lights lit up and you were as high up as you could be. It wasn't as crowded as it had been earlier and it was nearly over. We were together and happy. I have no idea how Mom afforded the picnic, but we always went, always rode the rides, we stayed all day and night. On this first Saturday in June, I wish I was on the Ferris Wheel and it was that simple. I'm not, but I am so very glad that I took the ride.

In the rearview mirror

I was thinking earlier today about the earliest thing I remember and there are two things that stand out. First it is helping my Mom hang silver stars that she had cut out of silver tin pie pans in the window of our apartment for Christmas. I remember thinking she was so big and wonderful that she could hang a star and make it look beautiful. I must have been about 3 or 4. The other is the strawberry man. He would go down the alley behind our building yelling STRAWBERRIES...STRAWBERRIES .... He had this deep voice and it sounded like a song. He was pushing a 2-wheel wooden cart with 2 long handles. The bed of the cart was flat and full of strawberries. It almost seems impossible. Where in the world did he come from? I am the oldest of 4 children.I was born 2 weeks before my Mom turned 19. She dated my Dad most of her high school and became engaged the week after her graduation. I think her parents forbid her to be engaged in high school so they waited. She worked for the phone company while preparing for her wedding and until I was born. I was born approximately 9 months and 2 weeks from the date of the wedding. It was 1959, and I am the last gasp of the baby boom. My Mom did what any normal American young mother of that time would do, or was expected to do. She stayed home and was my Mom. I don't know a lot about that time, except that I think she was friends with another young mother in the building with a baby. I know that we moved every few years as another baby came along, until I was 4 and they bought a house. This was a neighborhood that was filled with small houses with small yards and small children. All of the adults were in their 20's, mostly early 20's, and all of the children were young and numerous. It seems all very cliche, but it was what I knew. We had one car and my dad took it to work and since he drank after work, we didn't really go anywhere. I don't remember thinking that was a problem, it was just a fact. Everything there seemed clean and new. Everyone was young, and my Mom was just like all the other mom's. She had a baby on her hip, she smoked, she scolded, she laughed, and she made the days better.

Angels and other accidents

It has been a strange and wonderful few days. I will start with the angels that seem to be appearing in my life. A woman joined my book club last month. This is what I knew: her daughter is a year older than my son and her husband passed away in the last few months. I had seen her over the years, but she is not someone I knew or had ever spoken to. A mutual friend called to let her know what had been going on, so she would not be blindsided. She hung around after book club and told me a bit of her story. The doctor my Mom had been referred to was her husbands doctor. She gave me the number to his nurse to try to expedite that appointment. She assured me he was not only brilliant, but kind and compassionate also-in all she was incredible reassuring that this was the right path. I called Mom the next day to see if she had heard from the office, but since she had only called the afternoon before, she was not expecting a call yet. I called and left the nurse a message (promising her I was not a lunatic or pest) but that I would appreciate any help moving things along. I have no idea if she was involved with what transpired next. My Mom called an hour later and had an appointment in 2 hours.He was everything Randi said and things are moving forward. I know she is in the right place and will receive the very best treatment. When Randi came to me and offered her support and assistance, I was overwhelmed by her generosity. How could she, after the last year in her life, be so kind and loving to someone else? She said-I have been asking about this book club for years, and it finally worked out now. Now I know why I am here. There are no accidents. This morning is hard. I know that the next week brings the real diagnosis and the treatment of the disease. I am trying to be brave, but feel frightened and sad. I will have to count on the angels among us to lift me and my family up right now.

UGGGGHHHHH

Today was a tough one. My Mom got her diagnosis. It is pretty bad, but also surreal. The words are what has changed. She looks the same as she did yesterday and still laughs and talks, and cries...just like yesterday. But the words have changed. There is so much power in words. Love is a powerful word. I hope that the love of her husband, children and family will help carry her through this. I hope that her love for all of us will help to ease the path that we will be on. We are where we are. It sounds ridiculous, but it is true. We can't be anywhere else. In all of this, I am grateful for the life I have had. I thought as a child that my mother was the most powerful person in the world. I did not see her as having any human frailty. She has always been able to overcome what appeared to be insurmountable odds and challenges. I think that part of what I would like to do here is tell the story of our family and what it was and is like to be us. I will start tomorrow. Tonight, I am going to have a good cry and go to bed.

Another Sunday

I drove south for a few hours with my sister and aunt for my niece's confirmation. I saw my roommate from college that I dearly love. I laughed a lot this weekend. I finished planting my flowers. All good stuff.... My Mom came over for just a few minutes to see my friend, but didn't come in. The heat, the steps-it was just too much for her. It took my breath away. I feel like we are waiting for the axe to fall. She should get a diagnosis this week. I know in my heart it is bad, maybe the worst. I keep looking for courage and strength, but I feel that I am lacking. I cry and cry. I am filled with such a deep sadness. It seems to me that it is never ending. I think that I will be changed and won't recognize who I am anymore. What kind of mother will I be without her to guide me? I am filled with fear right now which I have heard is an absence of faith. I have faith, but feel that I am stumbling in the dark right now. I have been in the dark before. I know the light is there and I will be able to see again.

Today, Tomorrow and other Uncertainties

Today was average..not bad,, not good. Fought with my daughter for no reason, not sure whose fault it was, but there was nothing I could say that she didn't disagree with. Up...down...black....white. It is exhausting. Why does this part have to be so hard. I may just be overly sensitive. Tomorrow is Mom's biopsy. This brings the anxiety and the uncertainty. It is better in my head than to hear something real. I hate this. I have heard from friends and relatives. It is interesting the ones I haven't heard from. I have reached a point in my life where it is necessary for me to know those I can count on. I think I know who those people are. It is also a gift to know this. I have spent too much time going to dry wells for water. I don't have it this time. I need people to be real, to be honest and to be there.

Rain....Rain......

Today felt almost normal. I ran errands, took Meg driving, stopped by Mom's for about 1/2 an hour and then on to soccer practice and the grocery. After I came home, we ate dinner. Meg is doing homework, Mike is doing Mike stuff and I am sitting here listening to it rain. It sounds so peaceful. I have nowhere I have to be except here. It is cleansing and life-giving this rain. The grass is greener, the flowers a little taller and the air smells better because of the rain. Some times it is where my mind is, because there are days when the rain is not a thing that I can view with pleasure or appreciation. I see it as an obstacle that must be overcome. It makes my daily life harder. But at least for today-in this moment I can appreciate the rain.

Finally Friday

What a long week it has been. I am not sleeping well and just wake up for no reason and can not stop my brain. It rolls on and on and speeds to places that I never intended, nor want to go. Yet, there I am. I do feel like I am walking around with all of my nerve endings are exposed. I am certainly more irritable and prone to bursting into tears. It is exhausting.I have to walk through this. There is no other way to do this. I can not escape this. It is the very core of my being that is being shaken. I will come out on the other side, but will be forever changed. I will heal eventually, but I will be different. There will be no one who knew me from the beginning. I will have lost my history. What happens if there is no one to remember?

Thursday

Today when I left the house, the sky was black and angry looking. By the time I got to work, the sun was shining and the clouds were white and non-threatening. It went back and forth like this all day. I wasn't sure if I should take my umbrella, or put on shorts. It mirrors how I feel today-a little bit of everything, and entirely unpredictable. I am very grateful for the true friends that I have. I know that I am blessed beyond measure to have such wonderful friends that call to check on me and are there and not afraid of the power of my feelings. I don't understand it, because sometimes I feel like I could be consumed by these emotions and disappear. They remind me that even if I feel like I will disappear, I won't because they are holding my hand and won't let go.

Who will be my backstop?

I have always had someone to back me up. At work, it was someone more experienced or older that I looked to and modeled. As a parent of course I looked to my Mom. It has always made me slightly uncomfortable to be the sage. I like having someone to look to for direction and advice. I asked my Mom today (while in tears I might add), who would I go to-who would I look to. Who would guide me? She told me I was ready. I don't feel ready. I don't want to be ready-I want to have her behind me-she has always made me feel safe. It is strange that right now, I need her more than ever and in typical fashion-once again, she is showing me the way through one of the hardest times in my life. Go figure-she still has my back.

Mother's Day

Tonight I was sitting here and listening to my daughter play the piano and started thinking about the music in my life. She plays to relax and entertain herself. My Mom gave us the piano when the kids were in elementary school and said that she insisted they at least try piano lessons. It was the only thing she insisted on as a grandmother. So they took lessons. Sam didn't last long, but Meg did.

When I was a kid, I would walk home from school and when I was walking up the hill to our house, I could hear the music. It would be a beautiful warm spring day and all of the windows in the house would be open. Wafting on the breeze would be Beethoven or Bach. I thought that you could just sit down and play-I had no idea what went into learning to playing the piano. It was part of the soundtrack of my life. I heard this music just like I heard the music on the radio or the record player. Music can take me back to a different place. Listening to Meg play tonight took me back to being about 11 and walking up the hill in my school uniform. My mind was all over the place, but when I heard the music-I knew that all was well, Mom was home-my family would have dinner and I would be fine. I always knew I would be fine. Tonight hearing Meg play, I knew no matter what-I would be fine

Sure didn't see that coming!!!!

How did that happen? My Mom called last night and told me that they found something on her chest CT and she was going to come home from her trip next week and she will have more tests. She is sounding so strong and brave. Me? Not so much. I am the oldest of 4, raised by a single mother. She has always been strong whether by choice or necessity I don't know. She has given me nearly every thing about myself that I value-my need to jump in to the middle of a crisis, my laughter, my ability to love-sometimes fiercely, my faith in God, my joys. Today I can not imagine a world without her, but know that I will have to. I don't know if it will be soon or not, but I do know that I will walk on the path ahead. I will cry and I will laugh. I do know that I will continue to experience all that life has even when it is painful and my heart breaks.