Today

I have a great life. It isn't perfect, but it is the life I have. I was speaking with someone today and we were talking about someone who upon meeting them stated, "I am not happy". I thought about that and thought about my life. I thought, that sometimes it is as simple as deciding to be happy. Every once in a while, I need to look at my life and do an honest appraisal. I have a good marriage, great kids, a job I like and friends I can count on. It is so easy to focus on what I don't have and what I want, instead of all of the truly great things and people in my life. Most of all I remember that I can laugh. The last year has been a bit tough, but it is because of all the great people in my life, that I can get through the tough times. Apparently, life will continue to happen..people will get sick, not get what I think they need or deserve,people will die. I will walk through all of these things. Hopefully, I will be able to do this in a way that helps someone, or is an example to my children. I will only be able to do this because of the example of those who came before me and walked the path that I follow. I always have my friends and family that I can count on. Maybe the miracle of it all of this,is I know to ask for help when I need it. All in all a pretty good day, I decided to be happy today.

Moments and Miracles

There are times when I am able to realize that most of the miracles that have occurred in my life, have occurred in moments. Some of them have been small and some have been grand. Some of them have changed my life in large sweeping ways and some in small, but significant ways. All of the miracles in my life have been people. They may have been doing the work of God, but that is not for me to decide. When I was in the first grade and it was the day of my first communion, me in all of my regalia and all of my family in attendance. My father had a break in his psyche, or so it seemed to me. What I remember is anger, fear and the need to escape. The police were involved and we all piled into a 65 Mustang with me still in the 1st Communion dress, possible the veil and my Barbie case. The person I most distinctly remember is this kid from up the street. His name was Michael and he was a foster child. I wasn't entirely sure of what that meant, but he was there and I was embarrassed. He wasn't much older than I was, but told me that I shouldn't worry-everything would be all right. I don't know why, but I instinctively believed him. I can't tell you if we ever had a conversation before that or after. But he was there and he was the miracle that I needed. I often wonder if he was even real. I hope that he has had great joy in his life. I hope that I have been able to touch someone in that way in my life. It would be nice to be part of a miracle.

Christmas Tree

The past few weeks I have been very nostalgic. It could be because of the holidays and Mom being sick, or just being nostalgic. Any way, I was thinking as I was putting up my tree about all of the memories that Christmas Trees and the ornaments and trimming include for me. When I was little, on Christmas eve, we went to bed pretty much like we did every night. There were a few decorations, and we hung our stockings and went to bed-hardly able to contain our excitement. I remember being ready to burst and it was nearly impossible to get to sleep. We had spent the previous few weeks playing outside and going to school. When we woke up on Christmas Day, we were to wake our parents and not go into the living room until they told us we could. When we walked in, we did not run to our gifts as you would expect. We just stood there in awe. Our mouths were gaping open and breaking into smiles. Overnight, our ordinary living room had been transformed into Christmas. The Christmas tree was there-decorated and lit. A few short hours before, there was no tree or gifts, but magically overnight, not only did Santa bring our gifts, but managed to bring our tree as well. It was magical and made our Christmas morning special. I remember loving the gifts, but the transformation was the great gift we were given. It didn't last my whole childhood, and I don't know if my brothers and sister remember, but as long as I remember, the gift continues.

Bullies

It's Tuesday...Tuesday's don't get a lot of attention, they are just there-another day to "get through". I was with my friend the other night and we started talking about this guy we went to grade school with. He was not very nice to me, in fact-he was a bully. My friend and I have been friends since the first grade, and in all that time, I never shared with her the names he used to call me. I was so embarrassed as a kid and somehow his torment made me embarrassed. Why is that? I had done nothing, and yet I was the one that felt awful. I used to wish he would know what it felt like to be me and to have someone tease and bully the way that he did. As an adult, I know that he either was bullied also, or was just a bully. I hope that my kids have not been bullied and I hope that if they are, they would come to me. What is it in someones heart that is missing that they think it is ok to hurt someone that way. What is going through your mind when you make a conscious decision to harm someone else and yet you find enjoyment in this? I have seen adults harass and bully in the workplace. I am still astounded at their attitude of self-righteousness, total lack of self-awareness and my feeling of being powerless in the face of it. Maybe that is the beginning of evil. It starts by being a bully-preying on one another's weakness, or perceived weakness. Slowly, bit by bit you die inside. Everyone will see you for what you are-a weak, mean bully. A coward. My friend-she had the same experience with the same kid. We never told each other until the other night. How could we spend so much time giving that horrible person so much power in our lives-long after it was over? Guess what...it's over

Perceptions

Perceptions are funny things. I was out tonight with a group of people that I grew up with. It was a fundraiser for ALS. My sister and her husband were there, as were some girls I grew up with. When I was asked to go, I couldn't place they guy that had organized this, but thought-he lived in the same neighborhood, I'll go with the girls I used to play softball with and it will be fun. It was all of those things. His older brother came over to our table. When I saw him I recognized him. Here is what I would have told you at any point in the past: He was big and tall and had dark hair. He was angry and I think I may have been afraid of him. Why? I have no idea. Here is who I spoke to tonight. A really nice guy, who is not big, tall, dark or angry. It is curious how wrong I am and how often. My perceptions of the world and of people have kept me from taking chances and from embracing new paths. I usually make these decisions based on no information. Even with a history of this not working, I still try to make it work. I would like to think that maturity has given me some ability to give someone a chance before deciding the content of their character, but that could be my perception....

Friday Night

Today is the end of a very long week. I haven't written in a while, but have had a busy brain. When my brain is busy thinking, I tend to not do as well in the most important aspects in my life, like my relationships. This week has been very busy starting with a trip the the Emergency Room with my daughter. She is fine, minor injury and all. It turned out to be a bit of a blessing for me, because she has been sidelined for 2 weeks. We have been short staffed at work, and I feel short staffed on patience. Mike left this morning for Korea. It is always a hard trip for him-he is there and back in a week. When he is gone, I realize how much effort it takes for both of us to make this whole operation function. By myself, it is like a 3 legged stool. It can work, but it is liable to tip over at any time. I am grateful for the family that I have. Today I was thinking that my children only know a two parent home with no strife. There is no yelling or fighting. There is laughter and some tears over life. There is grounding over bad grades. There is cheering for the successes. There is run of the mill...going to the grocery store and cooking dinner when you don't feel like it. There is laundry and homework and work. There is joy and there is laughter and there is peace. There is my life.

Growing Up

I was out of town last week at a class. it was really intense, but I learned alot. It was strange being away by myself for a week and learning so many new things, but having no other responsibilities other than myself. I almost forgot what that was like. I liked it, but missed being with my family. I love my life, but it was nice to have a change. Sort of a vacation from my whole life. Yesterday was the first day of school. It was the first time since I have had kids, that I did not walk or drive someone to school. They just got in the car and left. I am seeing how little they need me now. They used to need me for everything. I guess that it is a good thing and I will get used to it. It does not seem to be happening gradually though. It seem like last week I had 2 car seats and a diaper bag. I remember the day I said, "get in the car and lets go" and they just grabbed their coats and jumped in and fastened their seat belts. Now they are driving and there are parts of their lives that I don't know anything about. It is surreal to think that in a few short years, they will be independent adults. I have glimpses of it now and then and I like the people that I see. I hope that I have been a good mother and pray that I will be the mother that they need to become the adults that they will be.