In the rearview mirror

I was thinking earlier today about the earliest thing I remember and there are two things that stand out. First it is helping my Mom hang silver stars that she had cut out of silver tin pie pans in the window of our apartment for Christmas. I remember thinking she was so big and wonderful that she could hang a star and make it look beautiful. I must have been about 3 or 4. The other is the strawberry man. He would go down the alley behind our building yelling STRAWBERRIES...STRAWBERRIES .... He had this deep voice and it sounded like a song. He was pushing a 2-wheel wooden cart with 2 long handles. The bed of the cart was flat and full of strawberries. It almost seems impossible. Where in the world did he come from? I am the oldest of 4 children.I was born 2 weeks before my Mom turned 19. She dated my Dad most of her high school and became engaged the week after her graduation. I think her parents forbid her to be engaged in high school so they waited. She worked for the phone company while preparing for her wedding and until I was born. I was born approximately 9 months and 2 weeks from the date of the wedding. It was 1959, and I am the last gasp of the baby boom. My Mom did what any normal American young mother of that time would do, or was expected to do. She stayed home and was my Mom. I don't know a lot about that time, except that I think she was friends with another young mother in the building with a baby. I know that we moved every few years as another baby came along, until I was 4 and they bought a house. This was a neighborhood that was filled with small houses with small yards and small children. All of the adults were in their 20's, mostly early 20's, and all of the children were young and numerous. It seems all very cliche, but it was what I knew. We had one car and my dad took it to work and since he drank after work, we didn't really go anywhere. I don't remember thinking that was a problem, it was just a fact. Everything there seemed clean and new. Everyone was young, and my Mom was just like all the other mom's. She had a baby on her hip, she smoked, she scolded, she laughed, and she made the days better.

Angels and other accidents

It has been a strange and wonderful few days. I will start with the angels that seem to be appearing in my life. A woman joined my book club last month. This is what I knew: her daughter is a year older than my son and her husband passed away in the last few months. I had seen her over the years, but she is not someone I knew or had ever spoken to. A mutual friend called to let her know what had been going on, so she would not be blindsided. She hung around after book club and told me a bit of her story. The doctor my Mom had been referred to was her husbands doctor. She gave me the number to his nurse to try to expedite that appointment. She assured me he was not only brilliant, but kind and compassionate also-in all she was incredible reassuring that this was the right path. I called Mom the next day to see if she had heard from the office, but since she had only called the afternoon before, she was not expecting a call yet. I called and left the nurse a message (promising her I was not a lunatic or pest) but that I would appreciate any help moving things along. I have no idea if she was involved with what transpired next. My Mom called an hour later and had an appointment in 2 hours.He was everything Randi said and things are moving forward. I know she is in the right place and will receive the very best treatment. When Randi came to me and offered her support and assistance, I was overwhelmed by her generosity. How could she, after the last year in her life, be so kind and loving to someone else? She said-I have been asking about this book club for years, and it finally worked out now. Now I know why I am here. There are no accidents. This morning is hard. I know that the next week brings the real diagnosis and the treatment of the disease. I am trying to be brave, but feel frightened and sad. I will have to count on the angels among us to lift me and my family up right now.

UGGGGHHHHH

Today was a tough one. My Mom got her diagnosis. It is pretty bad, but also surreal. The words are what has changed. She looks the same as she did yesterday and still laughs and talks, and cries...just like yesterday. But the words have changed. There is so much power in words. Love is a powerful word. I hope that the love of her husband, children and family will help carry her through this. I hope that her love for all of us will help to ease the path that we will be on. We are where we are. It sounds ridiculous, but it is true. We can't be anywhere else. In all of this, I am grateful for the life I have had. I thought as a child that my mother was the most powerful person in the world. I did not see her as having any human frailty. She has always been able to overcome what appeared to be insurmountable odds and challenges. I think that part of what I would like to do here is tell the story of our family and what it was and is like to be us. I will start tomorrow. Tonight, I am going to have a good cry and go to bed.

Another Sunday

I drove south for a few hours with my sister and aunt for my niece's confirmation. I saw my roommate from college that I dearly love. I laughed a lot this weekend. I finished planting my flowers. All good stuff.... My Mom came over for just a few minutes to see my friend, but didn't come in. The heat, the steps-it was just too much for her. It took my breath away. I feel like we are waiting for the axe to fall. She should get a diagnosis this week. I know in my heart it is bad, maybe the worst. I keep looking for courage and strength, but I feel that I am lacking. I cry and cry. I am filled with such a deep sadness. It seems to me that it is never ending. I think that I will be changed and won't recognize who I am anymore. What kind of mother will I be without her to guide me? I am filled with fear right now which I have heard is an absence of faith. I have faith, but feel that I am stumbling in the dark right now. I have been in the dark before. I know the light is there and I will be able to see again.

Today, Tomorrow and other Uncertainties

Today was average..not bad,, not good. Fought with my daughter for no reason, not sure whose fault it was, but there was nothing I could say that she didn't disagree with. Up...down...black....white. It is exhausting. Why does this part have to be so hard. I may just be overly sensitive. Tomorrow is Mom's biopsy. This brings the anxiety and the uncertainty. It is better in my head than to hear something real. I hate this. I have heard from friends and relatives. It is interesting the ones I haven't heard from. I have reached a point in my life where it is necessary for me to know those I can count on. I think I know who those people are. It is also a gift to know this. I have spent too much time going to dry wells for water. I don't have it this time. I need people to be real, to be honest and to be there.

Rain....Rain......

Today felt almost normal. I ran errands, took Meg driving, stopped by Mom's for about 1/2 an hour and then on to soccer practice and the grocery. After I came home, we ate dinner. Meg is doing homework, Mike is doing Mike stuff and I am sitting here listening to it rain. It sounds so peaceful. I have nowhere I have to be except here. It is cleansing and life-giving this rain. The grass is greener, the flowers a little taller and the air smells better because of the rain. Some times it is where my mind is, because there are days when the rain is not a thing that I can view with pleasure or appreciation. I see it as an obstacle that must be overcome. It makes my daily life harder. But at least for today-in this moment I can appreciate the rain.

Finally Friday

What a long week it has been. I am not sleeping well and just wake up for no reason and can not stop my brain. It rolls on and on and speeds to places that I never intended, nor want to go. Yet, there I am. I do feel like I am walking around with all of my nerve endings are exposed. I am certainly more irritable and prone to bursting into tears. It is exhausting.I have to walk through this. There is no other way to do this. I can not escape this. It is the very core of my being that is being shaken. I will come out on the other side, but will be forever changed. I will heal eventually, but I will be different. There will be no one who knew me from the beginning. I will have lost my history. What happens if there is no one to remember?

Thursday

Today when I left the house, the sky was black and angry looking. By the time I got to work, the sun was shining and the clouds were white and non-threatening. It went back and forth like this all day. I wasn't sure if I should take my umbrella, or put on shorts. It mirrors how I feel today-a little bit of everything, and entirely unpredictable. I am very grateful for the true friends that I have. I know that I am blessed beyond measure to have such wonderful friends that call to check on me and are there and not afraid of the power of my feelings. I don't understand it, because sometimes I feel like I could be consumed by these emotions and disappear. They remind me that even if I feel like I will disappear, I won't because they are holding my hand and won't let go.

Who will be my backstop?

I have always had someone to back me up. At work, it was someone more experienced or older that I looked to and modeled. As a parent of course I looked to my Mom. It has always made me slightly uncomfortable to be the sage. I like having someone to look to for direction and advice. I asked my Mom today (while in tears I might add), who would I go to-who would I look to. Who would guide me? She told me I was ready. I don't feel ready. I don't want to be ready-I want to have her behind me-she has always made me feel safe. It is strange that right now, I need her more than ever and in typical fashion-once again, she is showing me the way through one of the hardest times in my life. Go figure-she still has my back.

Mother's Day

Tonight I was sitting here and listening to my daughter play the piano and started thinking about the music in my life. She plays to relax and entertain herself. My Mom gave us the piano when the kids were in elementary school and said that she insisted they at least try piano lessons. It was the only thing she insisted on as a grandmother. So they took lessons. Sam didn't last long, but Meg did.

When I was a kid, I would walk home from school and when I was walking up the hill to our house, I could hear the music. It would be a beautiful warm spring day and all of the windows in the house would be open. Wafting on the breeze would be Beethoven or Bach. I thought that you could just sit down and play-I had no idea what went into learning to playing the piano. It was part of the soundtrack of my life. I heard this music just like I heard the music on the radio or the record player. Music can take me back to a different place. Listening to Meg play tonight took me back to being about 11 and walking up the hill in my school uniform. My mind was all over the place, but when I heard the music-I knew that all was well, Mom was home-my family would have dinner and I would be fine. I always knew I would be fine. Tonight hearing Meg play, I knew no matter what-I would be fine

Sure didn't see that coming!!!!

How did that happen? My Mom called last night and told me that they found something on her chest CT and she was going to come home from her trip next week and she will have more tests. She is sounding so strong and brave. Me? Not so much. I am the oldest of 4, raised by a single mother. She has always been strong whether by choice or necessity I don't know. She has given me nearly every thing about myself that I value-my need to jump in to the middle of a crisis, my laughter, my ability to love-sometimes fiercely, my faith in God, my joys. Today I can not imagine a world without her, but know that I will have to. I don't know if it will be soon or not, but I do know that I will walk on the path ahead. I will cry and I will laugh. I do know that I will continue to experience all that life has even when it is painful and my heart breaks.