In the Moment

Today is Tuesday and the blistering heat we have had has let up. It is wonderful to walk outside and not dread every breath you take. I have been thinking that that I am so very grateful to be present in my relationships. I am also keenly aware of not having regrets. Of course, mostly in regard to my Mom at this time-I am fortunate that we have a relationship that has always been in the moment. Our feelings may have been strong and loud and difficult at times, but they were always in the moment. There were not things that were left unsaid. Both of us (I think) always meant what we said and said what we meant. This relationship has always been a constant. There has been no distance or breaks in the relationship. this last time I looked at my Mom and thought-she doesn't understand-I was about 14. Ever since then, I have known that she understood and was there. In high school and college we had a couch that was tan and was a sectional. She would lie on one end, and I would lie on the other. We would lie there and smoke and talk for hours. I think that a lot of people spend a good deal of time and money in therapy. I got it lying on the tan couch. I also got an insight into my childhood. I got not only a relationship with my Mom but a friend and confidant. There was a lot of laughter and tears over the years. Are there things that I wish I hadn't hurt her with? Of course! I know that even in my bad decisions as a kid, I was doing the best I could and that everything that happened had to happen. The purpose is not always clear, but I know that there was no malice and that there was always love. I always with the help of my Mom, was able to turn it around. It has been many years since I have needed to turn it around. I am living a life that I am proud of and that my Mom can be proud of. She never asked me to make her proud-just to be happy. I know that I am.

Father's Day

I spent the last 2 days in the hospital which is just stupid. I really don't feel alot better, but hopefully I will in the next few days. I went to the family Father's Day celebration at my parents. It was supposed to be here, but ended up moved because of the whole hospital thing. I was thinking back that as a kid Father's Day was this very secondary holiday in my family. My dad was gone and my aunt was a single parent. My grandfather never commanded much attention and was so sweet and wonderful. We spent many Father's days at their house. After awhile, it seemed like he was doing all of the work-so we moved it to our house. One year it dawned on us, that my mom was both Mother and Father and it didn't seem right that she did most of the work for Father's Day. It just always seemed to be work for someone that it shouldn't have been work for. Today, I was NO help to anyone. My brother ( a wonderful father) grilled...It's nice that the Father's Day tradition continues. What really matters is that as a family, you love and appreciate those around us. I am glad to be part of a family that does that..no matter who is doing the work.

Ferris Wheels

I went to Catholic Schools. Not here to debate it, but to let you know about my life. In grade school, at the end of the school year, the first Saturday in June was the school picnic-also known as The Picnic. You never had to explain what you meant when you said "When are you going to the picnic" or Do you want to go to the picnic with me?" Everyone knew-even people who did not attend the church or school. The last few weeks of school, there was a poster contest with a monetary prize. It may have been free ride tickets, I can't remember. Each kid would produce a poster in marker, or colored pencil to advertise the picnic. These were hung in local businesses to spread to word. I can remember going to the grocery store or gas station and being so proud to see my poster hanging there. The parade started at 10 am and we walked through the neighborhood with our class. When the parade got back to the church-the stampede began. There were hundreds of kids all 14 and under running as fast as they could for rides and to use their free ticket for a coke. There were booths in the back where you could win prizes. We always came home with a goldfish or two that most likely wouldn't survive the week and a bunch of tomato plants that would survive our hot muggy summer. We spent the day with our friends racing from ride to ride, looking at the boys when we were older and giggling. At the end of the day, we were hot, dirty, sunburned and our new picnic outfit crumpled. As the picnic closed,we always rode the Ferris Wheel as a family. The rides all had the lights lit up and you were as high up as you could be. It wasn't as crowded as it had been earlier and it was nearly over. We were together and happy. I have no idea how Mom afforded the picnic, but we always went, always rode the rides, we stayed all day and night. On this first Saturday in June, I wish I was on the Ferris Wheel and it was that simple. I'm not, but I am so very glad that I took the ride.