In the Moment

Today is Tuesday and the blistering heat we have had has let up. It is wonderful to walk outside and not dread every breath you take. I have been thinking that that I am so very grateful to be present in my relationships. I am also keenly aware of not having regrets. Of course, mostly in regard to my Mom at this time-I am fortunate that we have a relationship that has always been in the moment. Our feelings may have been strong and loud and difficult at times, but they were always in the moment. There were not things that were left unsaid. Both of us (I think) always meant what we said and said what we meant. This relationship has always been a constant. There has been no distance or breaks in the relationship. this last time I looked at my Mom and thought-she doesn't understand-I was about 14. Ever since then, I have known that she understood and was there. In high school and college we had a couch that was tan and was a sectional. She would lie on one end, and I would lie on the other. We would lie there and smoke and talk for hours. I think that a lot of people spend a good deal of time and money in therapy. I got it lying on the tan couch. I also got an insight into my childhood. I got not only a relationship with my Mom but a friend and confidant. There was a lot of laughter and tears over the years. Are there things that I wish I hadn't hurt her with? Of course! I know that even in my bad decisions as a kid, I was doing the best I could and that everything that happened had to happen. The purpose is not always clear, but I know that there was no malice and that there was always love. I always with the help of my Mom, was able to turn it around. It has been many years since I have needed to turn it around. I am living a life that I am proud of and that my Mom can be proud of. She never asked me to make her proud-just to be happy. I know that I am.